Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
