UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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