You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
