You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
