Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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