Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
