yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I cut my penus on the lid.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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