from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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