Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
