felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
