Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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