U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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