areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
A bitchslap is in order.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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