Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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