My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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