Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
