The maid of honor just puked.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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