If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
pray to the hookup gods
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
