I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
