My friends, they love my intelligence
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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