Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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