I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
