This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Did I show you my penis last night?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
