Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Dear god my vagina.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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