Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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