I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
