Tell her she can't have a vagina
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
