shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
