So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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