I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
