At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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