You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
