Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
