don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
