I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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