I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
