i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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