He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
