I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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