ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
