I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
