feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize