thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Girls should come with a carfax report
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
