So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
