i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
