the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
