I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
