making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
