yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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