I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I think my moral compass just broke
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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