ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
