Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
