my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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