just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
