I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
