it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
