Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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