If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
