I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
