dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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