I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
