my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
