Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
