Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
