On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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